Secret Suffering

Yesterday the world lost a brilliantly witty man though the secret suffering of mental illness.  Robin Williams’ suffering ultimately lead to a feeling of entrapment, believing a lie like there was no way out except for death.  Right before he succumbed to his personal demon, he reached out for help at a rehab facility in July to focus on his sobriety.  It was too late.  He couldn’t live with it any longer and committed suicide in his home.  It was a truly heart wrenching outcome without hope.  It is unfortunate for the world to lose such a gifted intelligent soul, who truly had a heart for humanity outside of acting and comedy.

Mr. Robin,
To honor your struggle with your demons of mental illness, I find it only fitting to write about mental illness awareness.  Your humor will be missed in the world, but never forgotten. ~LMc

To anyone that reads this:

I know people can potentially fade away from me because of this highly stigmatized subject.  The people who will and have stuck and will stay with me are the people who truly care about me as a human that is far from perfect.  I've been blessed by those I know in life whether they are aware of it or not, a lifetime friend or acquaintance.  This is a risk I am ready to take to make people aware of the silent secretive suffering that is mental illness.

Neurotransmitters  (purple and red spheres)
attached to neurons in the brain

Yes, a lot of mental illness is simply a chemical imbalance.  I should know.  I’ve been living with a doubly taboo diagnosis for close to 17 years.  I am reluctant to say anything to anyone about it unless I know them and trust them.  It’s almost as bad as being caught and labeled as a “werewolf”.  Not a romanticized “twilight” werewolf.  Peh.  More like the savage impulse that takes over your mind that prevents you from remembering what you’ve said, where you’ve been, and what you have done because the mind moves at the speed of Mach 3.  At this speed, you can’t concentrate; you spend endless time making endless lists, possibly have a number of brilliant introspective, creative outlooks on everything in sight, without any desire to sleep.  Hyperstimulation.  Then you turn around and destructively push away and say things you impulsively don’t mean to the ones you love closest to you.  What’s worse is if people who don’t know or care about you witness this situation, they run faster than a spooked horse out of your life because they can’t deal with the ‘crazy’ or the ‘psycho’ that you are.  But it’s not you.  It’s your neurotransmitters in your brain that whacked out forcing the neurons to fire and misfire until the smoke coming billowing out of your ears.


I’d be a liar if I said I didn't partly enjoy this side of my werewolf.  I found my most creative work came from these heightened electrical storms in my brain.  But when I push others away, refusing their concern for my well-being, and hurt them with words, that’s the scary cruel side of the demon of mania of which I want nothing to identify with.


There is a slight more acceptance and awareness of the other demon: depression.  While this is a chemical imbalance also, I do feel that the environment can pervert a person’s perspective and feelings of well-being.  A lot of people are afraid to reach out to others because they feel like their burden is unbearable to themselves so they trap themselves believing a lie “how could anyone help me if I can’t help myself?”  I wrote about this struggle in "flashback paradox" a while back.


What’s worse is the fear of actually reaching out and being sent to a lock down mental ward because ‘clearly this person is a threat to themselves and society.’ Leave it to the professionals.  Enter pharmaceutical power houses ready to test their latest ‘new and improved, (FDA approved of course) elixir of serenity’ aimed to send the brain of the patient into numbskull oblivion.  Trust me, they are trying to help, but the medication side effects are worse than the illness in most cases.  Anyways, anything at any cost to bring you to normalcy (an oblivious happy person added back into society that most importantly pays taxes.)


Yes, you will eventually have to put your mask right back on, make your entrance back into your life in society pretending everything was OK from the very beginning and the entire time after that.  You were absent from the world, so smile, come up with something charming to explain your reasons for your absence.


If you are lucky enough, you will find a medical professional that is willing to get to know you as a human and not just a body with an illness that must be ‘fixed’.  If you get that lucky finding a professional that will help you heal your chemical imbalance with the least amount of life altering elixirs possible, this is the way to mend yourself.  I am so blessed to call that my situation.  I feel like myself.  I do have my ‘ups and downs’ just like anyone else in life.  I am lucky enough to pass ‘Go’ without ‘directly going to mental jail’.

So just be aware that everyone around you may be silently suffering with something.  The most brilliant minds of the world also had this type of suffering in addition to their eloquent additions to humanity.  Do your research and you will be astounded that advances in science, music, art, and literature have been contributed to the world by people who have suffered their whole life with mental illness.


It is only now, in this generation, that anyone has paid close enough (almost too close) attention to study and ultimately place labels on everything and everyone.


Don’t let the ones you love get frustrated with labels feeling like they are forced to seek the help simply through a pill dispenser approved by the FDA, and call everything good.  Reaching out human to human in a purely compassionate way is the first step to recovery.  The ones you love needs your support, patience, courage, and unconditional love first and foremost.


Behold! My demons have become angels of light to illuminate the world with messages of hope. ~LMc