Self awareness on the clock

Photo by Alexander Kaula

Interesting things have happened at my job over the last month or so.

I have been working as an entry level CNA at a long term care facility for 5 months now.  Thank you to those of you that took calls as references to help me get this job!

Like any other healthcare facility, people come and go, you can tell who really cares by their work ethics, and quickly find out who is dependable as a teammate.  Overall things always work out for the greater good even if there are a few nerve wracking bumps along the way.

About a month ago, my nurse took me aside and thanked me for picking up an extra shift (I do regularly pick up hours, so I was a bit baffled by her thanking me for a specific day).  She then mentioned, "You really have come a long way and I'm so glad you able to work this hall.  I didn't think you would be able to do it when you first started, but you have been doing very well."

...

I was dumbfounded.  I remember thanking her for the compliment (?), mentioning something about "survival mode", and then responding with "I do like to prove people otherwise." in a not-so-bold innocent way.

It happened again yesterday.  This time it was a different nurse.  She works the hall pretty infrequently.  I can't remember how long ago it was since we worked together. At any rate, she must've been watching me pour drinks for multiple residents and assemble things at the counter (all extremely dexterous tasks).  I was in my "work quick almost like I'm angry but I'm really not" trance when she must have spied on me.

She caught me just as I was taking a moment to think about my next task. "Look at you go! You are on it, Lauren!  I think this hall is a great fit for you!". I was shocked, stopped in my tracks, and then I thanked her for the complements as I felt flustered.

So I've been complemented by two direct supervisors that had their doubts about me.  That feels good.  I have come a very long way and welcome recognition.

Ever since my cerebellar brain tumor removal in 2005,  I have had to relearn balance and motor skills on the whole left side of my body.  I felt he best way to rehabilitate back into the working world was to force myself to use my left side through manual labor in grounds-keeping and landscape maintenance.

All was going great after a summer of work, my confidence increased as I accomplished things I said I couldn't do or was afraid of attempting, until I was hired on to a private business maintaining multimillionaire estates that next Spring.  Ok, I get that being a small business owner, a person almost needs to develop cut throat czarist principles to be competitive, but really there is a maximum efficiency ceiling. 

Efficient.  The word I began to loath very quickly.  'Efficiency' began to take the shape of the stick beating a dead horse.  Don't get me wrong, I love to work as much as any mule does, but the stick was coming after me even though I had been doing everything in my power to work according to my small business employer's standards. 

I've always been about quality, not quantity.  Chalk it up to my attention to detail for that.  There has to be a balance that makes the client happy and the job worth working.  I sure as hell am not going to be the one jumping on top of a single axle trailer, then proceed to climb atop a pile of branches and landscape debris, jump to compact the pile under my feet, while barking orders at employees, during the 3rd trimester of pregnancy. Or better yet, require employees to work 18 hours in one 24 hour day clearing snow during a blizzard for wealthy clients, on 4 hours of sleep and 2 hours of preparation for service.  I need not to say more.  Whatever makes you happy.  Being laid off from that job was a major blessing none-the-less.  That job found my efficiency ceiling.

It was a sign.  I would find my place elsewhere.  Someplace I could break through the efficiency ceiling, survive with grace, maybe show skeptics a lil something they can believe, and break the boundaries in my mind.  I am searching for my purpose if it takes my whole lifetime.

I believe I am getting closer.  I like to serve others.  I can empathize with people who need care.  Most of all I am able to share my humor and stories with them, they appreciate me genuinely, and are always happy to see me.  It never gets old.  I feel like I can travel back in time with them through their stories and take a moment to appreciate how beautiful life is through another person's eyes. ~LMc