Garden Guardian

My manipulation for my 2010 Fantasy Football team

If one thing is for certain: I cherish our garden.  I spend anywhere from seven to seventeen hours working, watering, and watching the garden grow.  The garden is my happy place, my tranquil destination, my escape.

Until these sorts enter into our perimeters:

Any body that grew up in the city or suburbs doesn't quite fathom the destruction potential that these buggers cause alone, I know I didn't.  They eat anything.  Now multiply that by thousands relocating from the fields next door into the crop fields and garden.  Now we've got ourselves a war.

What used to be corn crops

The magnitude of this situation is devastating for agriculture and the livelihood of those who live off the harvest of the land.  Here I am just trying to protect my small plot of piddly frivolous flowers...

They come on the wing to ransack all and leave nothing

As of now, the grasshoppers are very small. They could fit five of their friends on an area of a dime snugly. This is the perfect size for my secret grasshopper weapons. My first line of defense, tried and true for 3 seasons of chewing insect damage in my gardens: Malathion. A chemical spray applied to the affected plant leaves. Insects that eat the sprayed leaves get their mouths "duct taped" shut. The only down side is that the chemical spray can wash off in the rain, sprinkler, or hand hose watered.  OH! This spray also controls MOSQUITOES!  It's what the city and parks departments use for mosquito control.  Here's what I use:

Important.

My secret weapon this year is called "Nolo Bait". It's a biologically biased insecticide I'm which spores of a fungus is added to wheat bran. I like to think of it as my "hearty oatmeal breakfast served to grasshoppers that brings forth a zombie grasshopper plague". Excellent. The micro organism stays dormant in the grasshopper's body reserves. It takes some time before the disease affects the grasshopper. When it does, these are the sorts of things that happen "Grasshoppers stop feeding, become lethargic and die after feeding on Nosema-laced wheat bran bait. The disease is contagious and other grasshoppers become infected by cannibalizing diseased grasshoppers in the area."  Using themselves against... themselves.  The other awesome thing is that this micro organism only uses the grasshopper as its host.  People, pets, and wildlife are unaffected as far as I have researched.  I want to personally shake the ecologist who figured this one out.

Important 2

"The USDA has set a known standard that 8 or

more grasshoppers per square yard can be

considered economically damaging. To the

casual observer, grasshoppers may not

seem to be a noticeable problem until

infestations reach 40 or more per square

yard. That’s when they become alarmingly

apparent and by this time you want a 'bellyup

overnight' control."

~heirloomgardenexperts.com

So birds, feel free to paint our doorstep and my truck white, just as long as you stop in at our all-you-can-eat buffet where grasshopper is always on the menu.

That goes for you too wasp.  People just get infuriated when you try to attack them. I highly suggest trying the grasshopper steak, it's more satisfying.  You will lose if you try eating people.

As for me, I will be witnessing the plot of this book...

... then creating my own ending with my shoe.

Acceptable alternate ending